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Luis Suarez, ballerinas and banjos

Professor Stephen hawking has apparently applied some science with a publicity-hungry bookmakers © Getty Images

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Stephen Hawking takes a swipe at "ballerina" Luis Suarez and claims "England couldn't hit a cow's arse with a banjo". If those statements don't make you suspect the physicist has been drawn into a publicity stunt, maybe you should don a tutu and start strumming.

April Fool's Day has long since passed and, yes, it probably is the silly season (although doesn't that usually arrive with a bit of sunshine?), but, blimey, what the...?

According to the (previously?) respected Press Association: "The scientist, whose book A Brief History Of Time was a best-seller, analysed data from every World Cup since 1966 - and the bad news is he reckons the heat, the altitude and the distance from home could all scupper England's chances."

Brilliant! No-one in the pub could have told you that. Unfortunately, there is more - the PA goes on: "Professor Hawking has also come up with 'a formula for the perfect penalty' - because 'as we say in science, England couldn't hit a cow's arse with a banjo'."

Apparently, England at the World Cup should wear red, play 4-3-3 and need a European referee against Uruguay to counter Suarez-style histrionics. It really is cutting edge stuff.

Anyone else growing keener by the moment for the World Cup/transfer window/Premier League to really swing into action?

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