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Roy Keane: The funny bits from his book

There are some funny moments in Roy Keane's latest book - honest! © Getty Images

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With his punishing tackles, fights in the tunnel and training ground bust-ups at Manchester United and beyond, Roy Keane was not a man to be messed with during his playing days.

Even now, as he sits on the Villa Park touchline - brow furrowed, teeth gritted and beard flowing - he does not look any friendlier and it would take a brave soul to laugh in his face

Keane's latest autobiography, The Second Half, is packed full of angry stories from his uncompromising career - tales that make even the hardiest reader quiver at the thought of ever meeting the Irishman in a dark alley.

But that doesn't mean the book is without its lighter moments, even if Keane did not intend for the following extracts to be amusing. Just make sure you aren't anywhere near him when you start sniggering:

Whazzup!

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Roy Keane hasn't held back in his new book © PA Photos

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"I rang Mark Hughes. Robbie [Savage] wasn't in the Blackburn team and I asked Mark if we could try to arrange a deal. Sparky said: 'Yeah, yeah, he's lost his way here but he could still do a job for you.' Robbie's legs were going a bit but I thought he might come up to us [at Sunderland], with his long hair, and give us a lift - the way Yorkie [Dwight Yorke] had, a big personality in the dressing room.

Sparky gave me permission to give him a call. So I got Robbie's mobile number and rang him. It went to his voicemail: 'Hi, it's Robbie - whazzup!' like the Budweiser ad. I never called him back. I thought: 'I can't be f****** signing that.'"

Dancing queen

"It might seem strange but you find out about characters when you look to see who's in charge of the music. A young lad might want to put on the latest sound; an older player might say: 'I'm the senior player' and put himself in charge. But I noticed none of the players [at Sunderland] were in charge of the music and this was a concern for me. A member of staff was in charge. I was looking at him thinking: 'I hope someone nails him here.' The last song before the players went on to the pitch was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba.

What really worried me was that none of the players - not one - said: 'Get that s*** off.' They were going out to play a match, men versus men, testosterone levels were high. You've got to hit people at pace. F******' 'Dancing Queen.' It worried me. I didn't have as many leaders as I thought."

Blue is not the colour

"Our first session [at Ipswich]was open to the fans. But nobody came. My first day - you'd have thought a couple of school kids would have been dragged in by a dad or grandad. The warmth wasn't there.

Then there was the blue training kit. I don't like f*****' blue. City were blue. Rangers were blue. My biggest rivals were blue. Is that childish? I couldn't feel it - the chemistry. Me and the club. I get annoyed now, thinking that I should have been able to accept it: I was there to do a job."

Caught short

"[My agent] Michael [Kennedy] had given me a heads-up that [Real Madrid sport director] Emilio Butragueno would be phoning, so I took my mobile phone everywhere with me. And - how's your luck - he rang me while I was sitting on the toilet. He said: 'Look Roy, we'll be glad to have you.' The club's board just had to sanction the deal.

I took a negative approach. The weather and the training might have given me another lease of life, another two years of playing. As much as anything else, it was fear that decided me - fear of the unknown.

I should have appreciated Real's offer more. It was the most attractive challenge in front of me but I didn't accept it. In hindsight, I should have said to myself: Go, go to Spain, live there for a year and a half, learn the language, learn the culture. But it's no good playing for a club, it's about having a big influence. Real Madrid might just have wanted someone to do a job, sit in the middle of the park for a few games. But I wanted to go in and have an effect on a team."

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