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Chelsea's Gary Cahill should be applauded for diving

Gary Cahill is a classic Enlish yeoman centre-half © PA Photos

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Remember Gary Cahill at the World Cup? A classic yeoman English centre-half, attempting valiantly to deal with the swarming little Foreign men running and nipping around him with their fancy "football skills" and their pace and trickery.

It was like watching a fat middle-aged man on holiday in Spain, sunburnt, drunk and cross, shouting at a suspected street thief for trying to have away with Our Maureen's handbag, it was obviously going to end in tears. The result, of course, was that England exited the World Cup after two games.

The reason that England will always, always bomb at the World Cup is because blokes like Gary ARE the England football team. That's not a criticism. There is a lot to like about Gary, indeed everything that is good about Gary is what is good about English football.

Gary is big, he can kick people and if the stars align and everything goes his way, he can sometimes kick the ball as well. Like his senior partner in the Chelsea central defence, he is what football calls "brave". In this case, that means throwing his body and/or face in the way of the ball or opponents, largely because he has been caught out of position by opponents fleeter of foot or brain than he. For a while, John Terry seemed to do this about once a game, but now he has a Padawan to do some of the dirty work and everybody seems very happy with the arrangement.

Gary Cahill was accused of a 'Swan Lake' style dive © Getty Images

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Gary, who must earn £1 million a week, has got it all figured out. He and Big JT do the pushing and the kicking, possibly a bit of blocking shots with the old boat race, flanked and supported by brilliant talents like Azpilicueta or Ivanovic.

If Big JT and Nearly As Big GC do happen to find themselves in charge of the football for a second or two, they give it to Eden and Oscar and Willian or whoever. One of the Foreign lads. Then, in the immortal words of Middlesbrough Brazilian flop Branco: "Pass, pass, pass, score goal, lager, lager, nightclub." Or something like that. Gary earns £2m a week. It's all good.

The problem, of course, comes when Gary and John are flanked not by Branislavs and Cesars but by other Garys and Johns, and the only people they can pass it to are other red-faced, bustling 110 percenters who think that a Rabona is something you can order in Pizza Hut if you're feeling adventurous. The same team-mates believe that ball retention is something you should probably have a quiet word with the physio about.

Every time England flop on the world stage, the great and the good crank out the familiar refrain: "We're not smart enough, we're not technical enough, we're not cute like the Uruguayans/Italians/Haitians/Martians. Will we ever learn?"

And then, the stinking hypocrisy of it all: when a player like Gary Cahill tries to improve his game, to better himself, to play more like a brilliant clever foreign lad, everyone jumps all over him for diving. At the age of 28, Gary is trying to add new things to his game, to master a vital part of modern football, and all that English managers, fans and pundits can do is call him names? We're sending mixed messages here, people.

Gary Cahill should be applauded for diving. Only by teaching these old English dogs new tricks will we ever get any good at football again. Dive away Gary, express yourself. If you can add in an imaginary yellow card wave or a dramatic faux face clutch, then the sky (or at the very least, the last-16 at the next World Cup) is the limit.

© ESPN Sports Media Ltd