Twists and turns of the life of Brian
PA Sport's Andrew Baldock
February 7, 2008

"Wilkinson does foul play like Gary Lineker collected bookings, but this is the weird and wacky world of England rugby we are talking about here." PA Sport's Andrew Baldock reports

If Brian Ashton ever fancied an alternative career in film production he could always start with a remake of Stanley Kramer's 1963 classic "It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World."

While he's at it, what about a 21st century version of the Keystone Kops?

On the evidence of events during the past six days, he wouldn't have to look too far in terms of assembling his cast.

This time a week ago, World Cup finalists England were in the final stages of preparation to defend an unbeaten 20-year Twickenham record against Wales.

Nice comfortable start to the 2008 RBS 6 Nations Championship that, then on to The Italian Job and those blue-shirted gladiators who always give England a battle for half-an-hour in Rome - then fold by 40 points.

Unfortunately though, Ashton's reign as England head coach has proved anything but straightforward.

If you think a week is a long time in politics, then try getting your head around Ashton's England.

In the 120 hours or so since his team kicked off against Wales, Ashton has seen two players hospitalised, three more ruled out of Rome through injuries, heard calls for fly-half superstar Jonny Wilkinson to be dropped and even faced the possibility of Wilkinson being cited.

Jonny up before the beak? It would be enough to make mums and grannies everywhere reach for their umbrellas and give those nasty men in suits a right old thrashing.

Wilkinson does foul play like Gary Lineker collected bookings, but this is the weird and wacky world of England rugby we are talking about here.

Oh, almost forgot, England lost to Wales by the way.

Given England's Twickenham record against them, that would take some believing at the best of times, but heard the one about a team 19-6 up and cruising with more than half the game gone before imploding against opponents so far out of the contest they were halfway back down the M4?

Twickenham man is still choking on his pate and Pimm's at the sheer audacity of those Welsh chaps.

Trailing by 13 points, they should have done the decent thing and just accepted their ritual beating at English rugby headquarters, but Wales gleefully prospered from what Ashton admitted was ``six minutes of madness''.

The smile still hadn't left Wales coach Warren Gatland's face the morning after.

Gatland and his squad had travelled 150 miles to Wales' rural training base, arriving in the early hours of Sunday morning, and still one question dominated their thoughts - ``how the hell did we win that?''

This was a new slant on The Great Escape. Not so much a tunnelled break-out, but a case of the guards handing you the keys, arranging your transport and booking you a table at the nearest Michelin five-star to celebrate.

Simple scorelines - England 19 Wales 26, in this case - never tell the full story.

But how England must wish they could turn back the clock, erase it from the history books and start again.

Ashton though, is used to adversity.

Remember last summer's South Africa tour when a stomach virus swept through the England camp, flooring players quicker than a Schalk Burger tackle?

It was so bad that Ashton couldn't even name a team for the second Test in Pretoria until 24 hours before kick-off.

And what about the World Cup? Beaten 36-0 by South Africa one minute, and then lining up against the same opponents in a World Cup final 36 days later.

This is the Life of Brian, yet through it all he has never lost an admirable sense of humour.

Take Ashton's midweek press conference ahead of the Italy trip, for example.

Asked if he thought external forces might be at work, the 61-year-old replied: ``I hope nobody up above has got it in for me - that would be pretty worrying at my time of life.''

But this weekend is about serious business as England encounter a fixture that has two words written all over it - banana skin.

On their four previous Six Nations trips to Rome, England have won 59-12, 45-9, 50-9 and 31-16, and what Ashton would give for something similar on Sunday.

They head to the Eternal City tomorrow though, without Mike Tindall, Andrew Sheridan, Lewis Moody, David Strettle and Tom Rees - 142 caps-worth of experience that any team in the world would miss.

England should still be good enough, but no dramas, self-destructions or rollercoaster rides please.

Above all, let's hope Brian is given a break, England perform and then he can concentrate on his next production - The Untouchables.

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