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Old Mo's Almanac 2015

Maurice Hamilton January 1, 2015

JANUARY

Red Bull say January has arrived too soon and we should go back to 2010.

'Crisis at Maranello' opens charity shop to receive unwanted trophies for passing on to a needy cause. Chairman Sergio Marchionne says it's the fault of Luca di Montezemolo and has nothing to do with Ferrari.

Danish government seek intelligence report from UK Home Office over 'maltreatment' of Kevin Magnussen at MTC (referred to by Danes as McLaren Torture Centre).

Bernie Ecclestone says if thieves pay £60m to his branch office in Munich, German law allows them to keep the Red Bull trophies.

Nico Rosberg and Lewis Hamilton filmed walking Roscoe, sharing a pizza while riding unicycles and having fun at Monaco Megabowl. UKIP popularity drops dramatically when an election candidate says Mercedes drivers are obviously foreign and gay.

Maurizio Gobadli, Ferrari team principal, adds Giedo Van Der Garde to test team.

FEBRUARY

'WhatShelf' magazine gives Red Bull runner-up in 'Best Trophy Cabinet Manufacturer' award after looking in empty foyer and assuming that's what they do.

McLaren confirm Jenson Button and Kevin Magnussen were driving for team in 2014.

Speculation about Adrian Newey's influence over 2015 F1 car when Red Bull advertise for Able Bodied Seamen and ask for applications to be sent to Admiral Horatio Newey and Captain Christian Hornblower.

Ron Dennis takes leaf from US book on defending accusations of maltreatment by paraphrasing George W Bush: "Our rivals are innovative and resourceful - and so are we. They never stop thinking about ways of harming our team - and neither do we."

Eddie Jordan says: "Without doubt, that maybe wasn't the wrong thing to say at the right moment going forward."

CVC Capital Partners launch political party, F**kF1, to fight UK general election.

Ferrari add Jaime Alguersuari to test team.

MARCH

2015 Red Bull revealed. The first F1 car with a mizzen mast and poop deck is launched by Sir Ben Ainslie on slipway into the Great Ouse.

Police called to a disturbance among F1 teams during reading of Marussia's 'Last Will and Testament' at FOM solicitor's office. Padraig O'Hooligan of Caterham arrested for shouting: "Marussia may not have sent us Christmas cards but we were much closer to them than these money-grabbing bastards from Milton Keynes and Maranello who wouldn't talk to you from one court order to the next."

Jenson Button waits three days at Heathrow before finally getting seat on Melbourne flight with standby ticket issued by McLaren.

Eddie Jordan turns down request to have him stand as UKIP MEP candidate for Monaco South on the basis that "With doubt I don't feel qualified enough to join a party of nutters and fruitcakes."

Protest at end of Australian Grand Prix over Red Bulls taking short cut across Albert Park lake.

Ferrari add Sakon Yamamoto to test team.

APRIL

McLaren team stay in best suites in Shanghai Hilton. Button gets room in Travel Lodge by the airport.

Red Bull driver causes confusion in Malaysia by telling stewards investigating collision: "I had the right of passage. He broached to port and hit me amidships."

Eddie Jordan says without doubt he can't see how an engine freeze will work because it takes ages to defrost a tub of his favourite fudge ice cream, so in the name of thunderin' jayzus, how long does anyone imagine it's going to take to thaw a V6?

Captain Hornblower bemuses SkyF1's David Croft by standing on one leg and referring to him as 'Crofty, Me Hearty' while admitting he's had his spinnaker caught with his spanker. Croft says that's no way to speak about his fiancé before the watershed.

McLaren confirm Alain Prost drove for them when they won the 1985 World Championship. Marchionne says it has to be Montezemolo's fault that Ferrari let McLaren win.

Ferrari add Zsolt Baumgartner to test team.

MAY

BBC Watchdog advises viewers to beware of fraudsters posing as F1 teams and asking for funds.

CVC Capital Partners sue BBC because begging F1 teams are genuine and such claims by Watchdog damage the money-grabbing process.

Luca, Ferrari's ageing guard dog, dies through lack of motivation.

Rosberg blocks Hamilton's parking space in Barcelona paddock. Nico says it was unintentional. Lewis says: "I can't believe he did that". Lauda says: "It's very simple. Nico parked like an effing idiot."

Nelson Piquet Jr hits wall during both practice and the race in Berlin. Told this is not obligatory in Formula E.

F**kF1 party loses deposit in UK general election after receiving just one vote, believed to be from a pensioner in the Kensington and Chelsea ward.

Ferrari add Shinji Nakano to test team.

JUNE

Red Bull trophies returned to Milton Keynes police station during amnesty but all of Vettel's cups are missing. Mark Webber brought in for questioning.

Ferrari receives an extra £36m because their cars are a nice shade of red.

Button given Weekend Supersaver ticket on Montreal Metro to get to and from circuit.

Sauber fined for starting petition against teams having to be at back of grid.

A fidgeting Eddie Jordan tells BBC TV viewers: "I really do believe, as I did when I ran my team, that Sutil, who I know very well, will grasp this great chance of opportunism and circumstance that comes along every ten years as well as every decade and without doubt will win on Sunday which, of course, is today here in…this place we know very well." Standing bolt upright, David Coulthard says: "I honestly don't see how that can happen because Sutil's not racing."

Kimi Raikkonen suddenly realises Fernando Alonso is not in the other Ferrari. Kimi says: "I thought he was a bit slow this year and Magnussen was bloody quick in that McLaren. Let's wait and see."

Ferrari add Giovanni Lavaggi to test team.

JULY

Caterham staff sell 'Big Issue' at Silverstone gates and raise enough to rent six tents for mechanics in campsite outside Club corner.

Eddie Jordan, dancing a jig, tells BBC viewers: "I think without doubt they'll win this race here in…this place we all know very well, going forwards." Standing bolt upright, David Coulthard says: "For once I honestly believe what Eddie says is possible because they can't win going backwards."

Geri Halliwell becomes fashion adviser for Red Bull. Styled hair and stubble obligatory.

F1 website operating from a bedroom in Orkney says it has heard from a man in a pub whose son cleans windows in Kensington that Tamara Ecclestone believes a Grand Prix is scheduled for 2016 in Syria. Or it could be Switzerland. The story goes viral in 30 seconds.

Mr. Ecclestone's motorhome driver receives parking ticket for stopping outside a chemist near the Nürburgring to collect Sanatogen Tonic. The driver pays warden £60m in cash and the ticket is torn up.

Ferrari add Maria Teresa de Filippis to test team.

AUGUST

Trophies stolen from Maranello recovered and found to be Red Bull cups sprayed red and given false citation plates. Ferrari given an extra £40m for the hurt this exposure has caused. Marchionne blames Montezemolo and Force India say nobody tells them anything.

Red Bulls, lashed to deck of tea clipper, set sail from Plymouth for Newfoundland and the United States GP. Captain Hornblower says flying is unfair and should be banned.

UN Ambassador for The Winless visits Maranello and presents boxed video set of the FIA F1 World Championship 2000-2004.

Red Bull late to grid in Hungary as mechanics argue that Alexander McQueen shirts and pink leather Oxford shoes not suitable for pit lane.

Sony Pictures makes 'The Interview', a funny portrait of Bernie Ecclestone using silly responses during television interviews.

Captain Hornblower, in interview with SkyF1, talks rollocks. Eddie Jordan says: "There's nothing new there, then. Without doubt."

Ferrari add Tony Brooks to test team.

SEPTEMBER

Sony Pictures panic and cancel launch of 'The Interview' after a small person unknown sends round a white van with a couple of big blokes from Essex.

Maurizio Gobadli arrested for having team of unemployed Ferrari test drivers pushing packs of Marlboro Full Flavor in Paddock Club at Monza.

Bernie Ecclestone persuades German court to accept £60m and force Mercedes to give a few of their trophies to Red Bull.

F1 Strategy Group proposes mechanics dress as clowns and throw buckets of water over each other on the grid to increase F1 popularity. Max Mosley says Sir Jackie Stewart already does the former.

Ferrari claim white smoke emerging from engine test house is not a turbo failure but the signal that another new team principal has been chosen.

OCTOBER

CVC Capital Partners called to secret briefing at No 11 to explain to the Chancellor how it's possible to make loads of money while screwing the less-well off and giving no hand-outs.

Three drivers receive grid penalties for using far too many power units, plus percentage of grid penalties carried over, minus the drivers' ages, less 10 for good behaviour but with four further yet to be decided offences taken into account. These cars to start the US GP 10 miles down Interstate 35. FOM claim they should receive cut of highway toll money.

Ferrari given an extra £45m towards costs for policing when ex-Ferrari employee rally in San Siro Stadium turns ugly.

Ofcom, believing in better, slate TV sports channels for running 'How's It Feel' specials asking F1 drivers "How does it feel to be asked 'How does it feel?' 12 months on from being asked 'How does it feel?' after Jules Bianchi's accident?"

Eddie Jordan says: "Without doubt, I don't know. What was the question?"

NOVEMBER

Caterham hold quiz night and raffle in the Dog and Ferret in Leafield and raise enough cash to pay for five nights in Austin YMCA.

Hamilton upset when Rosberg hides Roscoe's dog food in Mercedes hospitality. Lewis says: "I can't believe he did that." Nico says: "I didn't mean to. I thought it was my health supplement." Lauda says: "It's very simple. The dog's a f***ing nuisance."

To further increase popularity, F1 Strategy Group says cars must blow up and have wheels fall off. Red Bull say that's not fair because Lotus already have experience.

Sony Pictures make 'The Interview', a funny portrait of Christian Horner using silly FIA press conference material.

Ecclestone says that proposed 2016 F1 calendar now to be run in reverse, with Abu Dhabi first and Melbourne last "just to piss everyone off and because I can".

Hamilton misses start in Abu Dhabi and loses championship. Lewis says: "Roscoe needed a poo. Had to walk him miles because couldn't find a patch of grass for him to go on." Nico says: "These race tracks in the desert are great." Lauda says: "It's very simple. Lewis should know you're either giving shit or taking it."

DECEMBER

Rosberg, 2015 World Champion, apologises and buys gold-studded cashmere coat for Roscoe. Lewis gives Nico a diamond encrusted Alice band and pays for pizza at Monaco Megabowl. UKIP say this sort of thing is typical of foreigners and wouldn't happen to a dog in Basildon.

Launch of 'The Interview' goes ahead despite Christian Horner stamping his feet outside Sony Pictures HQ.

FOM and FIA urge commercial markets to change Black Friday to Red Tuesday to help Ferrari shift huge stock of superfluous team management headsets and shirts.

'The Interview' a box office disaster, except at the Milton Keynes Odeon.

McLaren officially confirm Fernando Alonso and 'some other bloke' as drivers for 2016.

BBC's Eddie Jordan says this is exactly what he would have predicted going forward but didn't. Without doubt.

Maurice Hamilton writes for ESPN F1.

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